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Experts in time management often say that 20% of our customers take up 80% of our time. With just a few customers taking up a disproportionate amount of time, it is essential to learn how to say no, and still keep that conversation going. That’s right, say no. Not the no you have heard parents say to children, but another kind of no — a negotiation no.

Four Steps to No

Step 1  Repeat the request in a curious and pleasant tone. It is essential to make sure that you understand what the other person is asking of you. Many of us work off of assumptions causing unneeded stress and confusion.

Here is a simple and effective way to confirm what you are being asked. You would like our company to make X change to the program. Am I correct?

Step 2  Ask some clarifying questions. Clarifying questions are open ended questions meant to get the speaker talking in paragraphs about the reasons behind the request. This is a critical step in the process of saying no. Rather than arguing about the request, learn more about the reasons for the request and use those reasons to make suggestions or to make requests of the other person.

Here are some sample questions that work in any situation. Memorize these so they roll off of your tongue at the right moment.

• Tell me more about . . . .
• How does that impact . . . .
• What concerns you about . . . .
• How do you see us accomplishing . . . .

A word of caution about asking questions: Banish the word why from your vocabulary. Why questions put people on the defensive and defensive people are less willing to listen to suggestions or agree to a counter offer.

Step 3  Acknowledge what they have told you with a quick paraphrase. After the other person tells you her reasons for the request, restate those reasons back to her. This step proves to the person making the request that you are really listening to her and understand her objectives. This step sets up the no you are about say, without sounding like a recalcitrant vendor.

Good acknowledging statements start with phrases such as:

• I see, this change will  . . .. .
• Now I understand. You hope to . . . .
• What is most important to you is . . . . .

Step 4   Make your counter proposal. The counter proposal is a soft way to say no. In effect, what you are saying is let’s try something else here. Counter proposals are most effective after you convey your understanding of the reasons behind the request in the first place.

An example of a counter proposal might look like this: What if we were to do . . . . .  instead?

The key to this step is the word we. You are inviting the other person to join you in creating an alternative that works for both of you.

This four step process invites people to consider alternatives and to work with you to meet their needs, rather than make demands of you. The key to success with this process is to be genuinely curious about the reasons behind the request. The more curious you are the more likely you are to solve their needs.